i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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