Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.