i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls