i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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