big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
