Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
