never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
