It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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