FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
