Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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