don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
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HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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