I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
