to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
