I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
