i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
