a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
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I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
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Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize