It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
