happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
