And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
