WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i would punch a child for taco bell
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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