I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
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What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
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Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize