Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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