Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Randomize
