Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
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He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
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Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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