so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
