woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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