i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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