We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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