Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
