im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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