it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
