Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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