I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
