Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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