i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
