I puked a lego.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
