last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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