im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
