so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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