I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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