I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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