Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize