her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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