Someone shit on the floor
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
