Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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