Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
