I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
