If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
