just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
