I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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