Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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