he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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