You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
