Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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